Imagine it's a mix tape

what? why? how?

2005-03-07T01:07:00.000-05:00

somehow i'm blogging twice in a row on two different blogs (i just blogged on the new one, but something compelled me to blog on this one too. go figure.

i really have nothing more to say than you can find on the other (i KNOW people hate following different links, but really, if you care about reading more than just general crap, visit the other one)

http://guti.freeownhost.com/
http://guti.freeownhost.com/
http://guti.freeownhost.com/
http://guti.freeownhost.com/
http://guti.freeownhost.com/
http://guti.freeownhost.com/

just in case you got lost? congradulations: its late and i'm nonsensical! i can't even spell anymore! whoo!

everything that makes me me that i try to suppress so that i see less odd:
I love dancing
I know I suck at both singing and dancing but i do them anyway
i think sex is a funny topic and i offend people by accident a lot by making sexual inuendos
i had sex with your mom last night
i am a sucker for girls who are nice to me
im a sucker for guys who are nice to me too
i rarely think things through before i say them
i overthink things before i do them
my ideas don't usually work
my best ideas are the ones i never use
i rarely start anything important
i finish what i start even less
i confuse dreams and reality
im all talk
i cross the bridge before i get to it
then i get lost on the way there
i blame myself for everything
i don't think other people like me
i always feel alone

Its been so long

2005-03-05T23:31:00.000-05:00

I never come here, but Its like I never leave....strange huh?

I've started a new blog at guti.freeownhost.com cause I think its cooler than blogger. sure I don't get the community of other bloggers that can find me through searching and everything else, but I never had much luck meeting new people online. not that I don't want to, just that every time I try to the other person seems less interested in getting to know me. I love meeting new people, so feel free to drop me a line.

Check the above link for cooler updates, the posts here will be few and far between.

even tho im busy....

2004-12-08T20:33:00.000-05:00

yeah, so im supposed to be so busy that i don't have time for this. but i saw someone's away message, and it had something related to beer, and that sent me over the edge. i know im not perfect, and that i've been drunk, and that if it was ok for me to do it why isn't it ok for others. basically i got drunk once with others, and i decided not to do it again after that. i don't like the way it makes me feel, and i think it only makes you feel like you're having a good time, even when you aren't.

this leads me to the main qualities i want in a girl. i've always felt that i needed someone, and i don't think that i need to be dating someone, or that i NEED someone, but i just want that close relationship. and so often i find it hard to form that because of personality traits that i just don't agree with.

I don't agree with smoking, drinking, or drugs, and i wouldn't want to be around someone that did.

I want someone who is real. i want someone that speaks their mind and has an opinion.

I want someone who enjoys being close. i don't mean sexually close, but just a warm friendly extroverted person.

I want someone who has one great passion or desire. a dream that they want to work towards.

I want someone who is fit and possibly athletic. i think physical fitness is just as important as cleanliness. you should respect yourself enough to be fit.

I want someone who is a hands on person, someone who isn't afraid to get their hands dirty and has the confidence to try new things.

I want someone that respects others.

those are really the core traits i look for in another person. those are more important than what music you listen to, or what you look like, or what you wear, or where you live, or anything like that. even if you were everything i wanted you to be, except for these traits, i wouldn't want to be around you.

yeah, not sure why i felt like i had to say all that, but i just wanted you all to know.

some more of this

2004-12-08T20:23:00.000-05:00

each day seems so short, yet so long. and nothing new ever seems to happen, but many things change each day. yeah, so basically its life....

new things: hamlet, WISE project, gattaca, college...

wow, i have so much to do tonight and i haven't done any of it. gotta go!

i was there

2004-12-07T18:47:00.000-05:00

photoshop powers!

yeah, so i have extreme photoshop skills (so not so extreme, but you'd think it was me).

original: here

Waking Up To Yellow

2004-12-06T20:04:00.000-05:00

With hopes of starting over...

it seems that everything i say today has to do with the starting line. i guess the race has started but i haven't even reached the start. so if this isn't the start, where am i? these senseless ramblings really are a pain to deal with i'm sure, but its just pouring out of my head.

ugh. whats the use of this thing anyway? if your looking for something interesting, go live your life. don't try to feed off mine. you'll starve. but all joking aside, there's nothing here that you can't find by yourself. If you want to know about my day, just ask. If you want to know all my secret thoughts, ask me. if you want to see a counterfeit version of who i am, read this so i can feed you bull. makes you want to stick around doesn't it? Well i don't, but it seems i have no choice in the matter.

so what should i fill this with? my secret loves, my likes and dislikes, what i thought of the movie i saw the other day? how about spanish work? yeah 28 sentences. if you can't do it right by the third then you obviously don't get it. and if you can, why repeat it 25 more times? it feels like a giant waste to me. but what do i know, im just an angry and confused 17 year old. "you don't know what you don't know." thats what they say, which must mean someone knows what i don't know. so tell me oh mnipotent one, what don't i know? that reminds me of stewie from family guy. "omnipotence: gotta get me some of that, hmmm..." i started watching that show, its funny, don't think i'll care about it in 30 years.

is that the only stuff worth promoting? the stuff that will last until the next decade? how long will angst be in for? when will teenagers find another theme and then make all the music about angst obsolete? when will i stop asking questions? ever? is that the end, when we don't have anything to ask anymore?

it's happening again, just so you know. im getting nothing done again, my grades are turning into putrid pools of....crap basically. i don't see the point in any of it. why practice what you've mastered? why spend an hour doing something old when you can learn something new? i think i have ADD. nay, i know i have it, i know i can't focus. i know i won't take medication either. its just one of those things i don't like about society. when we talk about overcoming adversity, if we medicate you till your barriers are gone how proud can you be? im just stubborn. i don't know why i say that kind of stuff. i hate society, but i can't change it. might as well just fit in.

i give up. no, i won't tell you what song i have on repeat, and no i won't try to label my emotions with a cute emoticon. no i won't give you a picture. i'm going to leave you empty and let you fill the gaps yourself. "oh piss it!"

never really gone...

2004-08-26T23:57:00.000-04:00

No time tonight to find a mood or an image...im slowly losing interest in deviant art. i know that some day i'll look back at it and decide i love it all over again, but for now i couldn't care less.

School starts in less than a week so im very busy trying to get everything done before that happens. I have books to read and journal as well as my job and the lawn and meetings and a whole bunch of crap that i just don't have the time for. but I want to drop it all and just spend time with someone new...who i don't understand at all, but who i wish i could know everything about.

shes an enigma really. I can't tell what she's thinking. shes beautiful and smart and funny and i love being around her and talking to her. I feel like the luckiest person alive because i met her. someday, i may regret those words, but for now i feel positive and there is certainly room to grow.

I came back from camp last saturday and have been busy ever since. I was at my dad's for a few days, and then i worked all day today and went to drivers ed. soon i will finish that and be free. i'll have a licence and be able to travel wherever my heart desires. ahhh....can't wait.

running camp was awesome. too awesome to describe and i did too many dumb/funny things to tell about them all. i want to go back there so much, so my goal is to run a 4:30 mile by the end of the year and to run a 17:00 5k. They are very high goals, but i really want to go back to that camp as a counselor and those are the numbers i need.

lately i've been thinking about college and what i want to do with my life. i am seriously considering not going to college at all and instead traveling and living life and meeting people. sure its not a real solid plan, but its something i want to think more about and possibly pursue. time will help me decide.

thats all for now cause its late. i'll be around with more updates soon.

where are you? and where am I?

2004-08-14T15:00:00.000-04:00

Blog Image:

Music: trying some spill canvas
Mood:

And as the summer's ending,
The cold air will rush your hard heart away
You were so condescending:
And this is all that's left.
Scraping paper to document
I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.

gotta love death cab. makes me excited because the OC is coming back in november! YAY! i can hardly wait. So i've been on an anime binge the last couple days. i watched 2 whole series and half of a third. Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, Battle Programmer Shirase, and Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex 2nd GIG. love Ghost in the Shell. can't wait for the second movie to be released in the US.

I taught myself how to add subtitles to movies this week. Its a lot of fun to do, even if it is boring and tedious, but i love seeing my work pay off. hopefully i'll be able to join a fansub group and be a timer or a typesetter. that would be cool.

next week im going away to running camp. I'll be gone, so don't bother to message me (im secretly hoping there is a cyber cafe or something nearby. maybe an arcade with DDR, that would be awesome). hopefully i'll meet some super hot chick there and have a really fun time at camp. yeah....thats the game plan folks.

the summer is ending....which means school....and homework...and no time whatsoever. its all good tho, im a senior now. nya (japanese cat noise). My plans include getting to know the jap exchange student and learning a crap-load of japanese. yeah...good plan.

ok: crucial part of blog where i tell something important. theres this girl that i was like obsessed with since.....like last february. she lived a little more than an hour away but i had met her at a track meet and then thought she was the coolest thing since sliced bread. so i talked to her for the longest time and always thought that maybe one day we could date or something, or at least hang out. we never did hang out, and i got really upset at times because i was sure that she didn't care for me at all even tho i wanted her to so much.

so the other night we were talking online (as we normally did) and we started talking about religion. she proclaimed herself a strict atheist and revealed a horribly dismal outlook on life. i was stunned. she was raised catholic but chose not to believe in God. I myself was raised without a particular religion and i have more faith in God every day. she came off as a complete cynic....very different from who i thought she was. and thats when i realised that just because we liked the same things on the surface level, and that i thought she was a great person, it didn't make us very compatible. i used to think we'd make the perfect couple, but my whole outlook suddenly changed.

i had tried to remove her from my life before so that i could stop liking her. i knew it would never work out but i wanted it to so badly, and it was hurting me. but everytime i tried i still ended up coming back. now all of a sudden i feel released. i know that i wouldn't want to date her, because there are things about her that i wouldn't be able to stand. that we are too different on a much deeper level. so now it is easy to remove her, and i have. and i feel all the better for it. nothing against her, but i just feel so good to be finally free.

have a good week everyone!

and a pocket full of shells

2004-08-04T19:07:00.000-04:00

Blog Image:

Music: emo diaries stuff
Mood:

i am very tired. why? because i was up late playing doom 3 and had to get up early and go to work. awesome game. i think its the most visually stunning and most terrifying game i've ever played.

the blog image really describes how i feel-ish. school is coming, like everybody says, and i have so much to do before it gets here. i don't think i want to be a senior. i just don't fit it right. yesterday at drivers ed someone i hadn't seen for a while asked me if i was my brother, not that i have a brother, but they asked me if i was because i looked different. they didn't specify if that was a good or bad thing, but whatever. i hope that people notice that im different, and that i can be different, once school starts again. this is my last chance to change for everyone i go to school with, cause after that im gone.

i thought harold and kumar go to white castle was one of the funniest movies ever. i loved it, tho im not sure why. it was just so cool and funny and dumb. i also managed to see the notebook. i personally love romantic films, so i enjoyed this very much. the 40's and 50's seem to be the golden years. romance today just doesn't seem to be as....cool as it was back then. i have a whole bunch of movies i have to watch so i'll give you some decent reviews once i see them.

im having a moral dilemma. i know that i said that i didn't want to spend money on a new video card.....but now i also want some speakers. logitech z-680 5.1 surround sound speakers for my computer, along with a spiffy new video card. i figure if i really want it i should buy iy, because when else will i have the money to do it? in the end i'll be glad that i bought it and be happy...i hope.

its time to watch Mean Girls so i'm gonna go, and stay away from the nasty food they serve around the corner...i hear it gets people REALLY sick...

honk if you like....

2004-07-30T23:24:00.000-04:00

Blog Image:

Music: TBS TBS TBS you get the idea
Mood:

i started drivers ed. its the biggest waste of time. ever. but its something that has to be done if you know what i mean. theres no way around it. you don't care. nuff said.

i got out the other night and hung out with some kids from work. we played SNES (super nintendo) and i had a good time. its the first time i've hung out with kids in a couple months, so it felt good.

the TBS cd is rockin'. i love it a lot. its a lot of the same thing as their other album, and therefore i love it. yeah...im sure it'll grow on me and i'll have something profound and meaningful to say about it, but until then just listen to it.

i have an inner conflict: should i spend $300+ or not? its to upgrade my video card so i can play doom 3 and kick ass. if you don't know what that means, don't worry about it. i also want to start playing FFXI. its about time you know? but school will start soon and my mom is ready to kill me as it is. im not sure why but it has something to do with me not doing college application stuff and being on the computer all the time, and this would just cause more of that to happen. i don't know what to do. oh well.

once again...i want a girl companion that i can make out with and look at and feel proud. not easy to find. damn. be sure to tell me if you meet any nice single girls that are looking for a guy like me. thanks in advance.

oh, and the blog image. damn fine looking. d-d-d-damn! yeah, thats all. so until next time, don't feed the squirrels.

its not me shes longing for

2004-07-25T21:50:00.000-04:00

Blog Image:

Music: Taking Back Sunday - stuff from the new album "Where You Want To Be"
Mood:

take a look at the gallery of the girl in the image. shes very beautiful. very very beautiful. and i have no idea what kind of mood that is but it looked odd, so i posted it.

i downloaded the new taking back sunday CD. good stuff. some of it i had heard before, and some other stuff is new. the full magnificence has yet to decend upon me, but im sure that it will sooner or later. if you know me in person and want a copy just ask and i'll burn you one. you can always use kazaa or bittorrent (i know theres a torrent for this CD) if you don't know me in person. or contact me, i can always send you the files.

title means that i had let my mind play tricks on me but with further evidence i determined that it wasn't me, not even close. oh well. i don't think it was ever me. i think its funny that the people we want to want us never do and the people that we couldn't care if they did are the ones that do. a guy i work with told me this when i told him that i was just looking for a nice pretty girl that i could talk to, and make out with: thats what everybodys looking for, but its kind of like driving around looking for the perfect resturant. eventually you get hungry, say fuck it, and go to macdonalds. afterwards you aren't so hungry so you keep on looking. and the cycle repeats.

she told me once that if i wasn't so far away she'd date me. i didn't believe her, but i really wanted to. it makes me wonder if she ever wanted anything at all. Why Bother Wondering When Wondering's All You Got. Moneen song titles are so meaningful. they're also REALLY long.

how can you miss something that you never even had?

i hate you. no i don't, do i?

2004-07-24T01:43:00.000-04:00

Blog Image:

Music: Scooter - The Logical Song
Mood:

im getting really bi-polar and i hate it. i happy one minute and totally wrecked the next. not a cool way to live life. im not really bi-polar but i think the instability of my emotions is caused by the instability of my life. no, my home life is fine. its my personal social life that is....dormant, stagnant, dead. and every false hope that the situation might change rocks my foundations. i feel like i will perpetually remain in this limbo. it really sucks.

saying i need to wait till college is probably true, and also painful to think about. i'd hate to wish away the final year of high school to get to college. fuck it. it doesn't matter anyway. what will wishing change?

im listing to dance/house/trance. i feel so great when i do. the artist is forced to pick one sound-byte. and then they do all sorts of beats, but that sound-byte becomes the central piece. its always filled with meaning. unlike the empty lyrics of so many songs. maybe thats why i like this kind of music so much.

i saw spiderman 2. didn't like it. nuff said.

one of my computers broke. i think its a sign to stop using them. maybe it is. when i get bored enough i'll repair it. yeah....

go die. i hate you all. fuck everything. im feeling angry. grrrrrr.

deviant art

2004-07-21T23:59:00.000-04:00

Blog Image:

Music: little more MSI
Mood:

ok, so bakc to back posts don't really make sense. except in this case where the previous post meant nothing. All my blog images are girls. why? i don't know. it must be something about them. also how i love talking to them. just talking. yeah, i do it a lot online. in fact most of the people i talk to are girls. yeah...

so i love the DA community, just because it is so diverse. i've never been part of anything quite as diverse before. plus everyone there is artsy, which is cool. I used to not be comfortable giving people favorites, and instead i saved all the images i liked to my computer. and then i realised that my standards were to high so i stopped saving them and started making them favorites. much better that way.

I've found all sorts of people on there, and im not really inclined to comment about any in particular, or give any details, but.....i just love it there and the disfunctionalism, and the different lifestyles, and just everything. i feel like i belong, even though im closer to the norm.

i miss you, when are you coming home?

i sneak up and hit you like a fuckin' tornado

2004-07-21T22:13:00.000-04:00

Blog Image:

Music: Mindless Self Indulgence
Mood:

i spent the day at work today. i helped out blah blah blah....nobody gives a damn. down, get down, gettin' down with my bad self....

you ain't no operator, so who the fuck are you then? i am the king of nothing and the God of less. hook me up to the machine. numb.

i wanna be
wanna be
wanna be
wanna be
wanna be
wanna be
pretty

what else is there to say to the raven? nevermore? is this art?

i think its beautiful...left right left ri
midgets jack me off? MSI
ahhhh

its very perverse. pardon the languge. neocell. matrix. lain. accela. navi. wired. cami-sama.

naruto. blood on the pages, sic transit.. 2 dots 3 dots. blood and semen...not together but seperate.

where ate i going with this and that. it makes up the world, are, not ate, not 8.

8's. crazy 8's. 888...

ok, so i just said all the random stuff i could think of....hope it made blogging interesting. hope so. no? who gives a damn? not me, thats for sure.

on a side plate, should i add images to the body of the blog? should i? maybe? yes no? comment? vote? orgasm? breathe?

watching movies by myself, hit me.

up she goes, up she goes...

2004-07-20T13:43:00.000-04:00

Blog Image:

Music: ocean sounds
Mood:

yeah, i just thought of that song from titanic. don't know why. i just watch i, robot. it was pretty bad-ass. still need to see spiderman 2 and i want to see that new bourne flick.

update: life since i last blogged. I have started a web-comic with my sister. its called forget me crew. i need to make the site beautiful, but the comic is still up FMCrew.

i bought a PS controller -> USB converter (http://www.lik-sang.com/) for the computer. I can use PS2 controllers as joypads (use it to play games). i can use it for emulators, like an SNES emulator that i was using to play Megaman X. good game. I played it as a kid but was never able to beat it. so i decided that i had to beat it in order to feel complete as a person. can you believe that i had made it to the last boss as a kid but could never beat him? and i unlocked everything without help from anyone!? i couldn't either. so i simply went through the game, beat the boss, and felt content. i also played it with a PS2 controller which just made me feel so cool.

I bought another DDR pad, this time it was a nice one with a foam insert. I bought it from a lan center in Meriden. its a Cypher Games Ignition Pad and i love it. so i can also play Stepmania (a DDR simulator for the computer with thousands of available songs) with my converter and PS2 pads. I feel like one lucky guy.

I'm getting pretty good at DDR. i can do most 6, 7, and 8 step songs and get a C or better first try. I've only been playing for about 3 months so im doing just fine. I think everyone should play. its a good game, and after you get over the fact that you feel kinda silly, you can really have fun with it.

the reason i stopped posting: i thought that i was being horribly manipulative. it happened at a point where i was feeling really depressed because someone else was obsessing over a guy that wasn't me and that bothered me because i was trying to be a really nice guy and be there for them and so on and they just kind of ignored me and didn't seem to appreciate anything i did so i got angry and screwed it up and them we stopped talking cause i made her cry about about a bunch of bullshit that i said that i shouldn't have and i was just trying to make her leave those guys that were nothing but trouble anyway and look to me instead. yeah, i think thats all of it. so i thought that i was a natural douche and that i shouldn't blog. and after time i saw that i was right not to blog, because anything that i did say would have had some undertone relating to her and that would have been bad so its a good thing. i don't even know if she reads this. oh well.

:deep breath: ah, now i feel better. the summer just keeps going on, and me with it, and soon it'll be over so i have to do some real work now instead of just hang out all the time. yeah, my time is up. boo-hoo.

i'll leave something special for all of you tomorrow too. i'll think of you if you think of me, while you stare at those boys with your dark black hair.....i hate it when i go into poet mode. later.

where have i been?

2004-07-19T11:57:00.000-04:00

Blog Image:

Music: Copeland
Mood:

theres been a little bit of late night hell since i blogged last. i thought i was through with it, mostly because i thought i had found some really bad stuff about me and hated myself for it and decided that blogging wasn't a good idea. as usual i was just over reacting and making some sort of sick drama ploy to my inner consciousness.

well, i got over it, as usual. and now that i have recovered (whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger) i can resume my daily blogging. I actually don't have much to say for right now, except that if you want a free iPod mini, go to this link and read the shit about it. its real, im doing it, and you should too. thats it.

drinking sucks

2004-07-04T21:45:00.000-04:00

Blog Image:

Music: Daft Punk
Mood:

yeah, so i was home all alone, and i was curious, and so i decided that i wanted to know how muchi could drink. really bad idea. drinking is a bad idea in the first place, but doing it alone, with the sole purpose to get drunk, is even worse.

so i had about 3 shots of 80 proof liquor (i was taking a little bit from each bottle so that no one would notice). and then i started to barely feel it. after 4-5 i was definately buzzed. once i got to 8 i was drunk, but not sick yet. i could still function....except that things had a tendancy to spin. u should have stopped there, packed everything up, and went to bed.

instead i had anywhere from 2 to 4 more, i lost count somewhere. by then everything was moving, and my stomach was not feeling very happy. everything i remember is very blurred...i know that i vomitted, but i can't remember doing it. i have AIM conversation logs of me panic-ing because i drank too much. and when i woke up everything in the house was clean and there was no sign that i had been drinking. i don't remember taking my clothes off or getting into bed, but i woke up just fine.

so i still felt ill all day today. like my stomach was not happy. and i still feel it. I'm praying that in the morning all the effects will be gone...because when i woke up i was still buzzed. it has mostly faded, with the nasty feeling in my stomach being the only lasting effect. at least i didn't have a hangover (somewhere around shot 5 i started drinking lots of water).

what have i learned: drinking sucks. my tolerance. what it feels like to be buzzed/drunk.

was it worth it?: maybe...but i should have stopped at shot #7 and saved myself some vomiting and sickness.

really interesting experience....feel free to tell me how much of a dumbass i am.

all alone

2004-07-03T13:28:00.000-04:00

Blog Image:

Music: Coldplay - Yellow
Mood:

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow...

So its 4th of July weekend and I'm spending it alone. My family has decided to ditch me and go visit friends. I have to work tonight, so I'm staying home all alone. party anyone? no, I haven't got enough friends for a party, and I'm still feeling all wierd. I'm one of those people whos's afraid of big groups of people. I just feel like I don't belong. And then I want to stand out so I do something stupid.

I also want to get drunk one of these days. There are times when I'm really excited about it, and other times where I'm scared about what might happen. drinking to get drunk is stupid, but I feel that im missing out. that maybe getting drunk will make me fit in better. i doubt it, and now i don't really want to get drunk. the other reason was I wanted to know my limit. I've been drinking with my family before (out to dinner and I get to drink some of their drink) and I've had about 4-5 drinks in an hour after dinner and didn't feel a thing. Maybe it was a fluke? maybe it was only because I had eaten? I'm not sure, but I'm still curious about it.

Next week I'm going to my dad's house. I haven't seen the guy in what feels like forever and so I'm really excited about going. I'm gonna be there for most of the week, because I can't see him on weekends because I work.

thats all for now, more later, hasta luego hombres!

downward spiral

2004-07-03T00:01:00.001-04:00

Blog Image:

Music: Death Cab For Cutie - Transatlanticism
Mood:

I'm going down. down. down. I'm falling so fast that I can feel the wind whip past my face as I plummet. I know that sounds overly imagistic and emotional, and it really is, but I just suddenly have the urge to cry. I'm a guy, im not supposed to feel this way!

I think it has something to do with my inner pain that I am never included in anything. the fact that no one likes me enough to just invite me along. I think maybe I should invite myself, and go on my own without being asked. But thats so hard when you don't have a car/transportation. And it just makes me feel like total shit.

I feel so empty. and yet so full of sadness. I want a relationship. I think i want one, who knows what I really want. I want to want to be around someone for no other reason than that i love them. and i want that person to feel the same about me.

Everything is in flux, and nothing stays the same. I'm going to go brood and be silent and let things fall apart some more. things are going to get worse before they get better so I'm bracing for the worst. talk to you later folks.

Marlon Brando...

2004-07-02T14:20:00.000-04:00

Blog Image:

Music: Silence
Mood:

The Godfather died today at 80 years of age. damn.

In other news, the worlds most dangerous web browser, Internet Explorer, has been deemed very dangerous. yeah, the department of homeland security has suggested that people use an alternate browser. I like Mozilla (the browser, e-mail client, and calendar) or Firefox (just the browser). Also if you're still using Microsoft Outlook or Outlook Express, Check out Thunderbird, Mozilla's e-mail client. All are free and easy to adjust to for IE users. get your copy today. For a short tutorial to uninstalling IE, see the article at NewsForge.

I was watching this VH1 show about Fear Factor. I'm not really into watching that kind of stuff, but i'd love to be on the show. As some people I work with know, I have an "iron stomach" and i can eat just about anything without any serious side effects. I also have an odd sense of taste. To eat wierd stuff on TV would be so cool....

I think I'm going to start doing a "picture of the day" from Deviant Art. I'll do one with each post, and if you click it you get to fullview the image. It sounds like a cool idea...now if i can just get it to work.

I work tonight, and since the population in my town triples in the summer time (10,000 people to 30,000 + the people that come to for Stop & Shop, Blockbuster, Ocean State Job Lot, and all the other cool stores we have) I'm hoping that the resturant will be REALLY BUSY. I want to make a lot of money....obviously. anyway, I'll prolly post after work and share how the night went. Something always happens at work....

stupid hornet

2004-07-01T21:39:00.000-04:00

Music: Brand New - I Will Play My Game Beneath The Spin Light
Mood:

I got bit by a hornet (or angry buzzing variant) today while mowing the lawn. that bastard. bit me right on the leg, he did. my leg still hurts, and is kinda tight around the area...

I started installing linux on my sisters computer, soon it will be all finished and i'll have the most bad-ass linux computers in town . I could include more, but there aren't any linux/computer buffs that read this. for a flame war about if linux or windows is better: Linux vs. Windows: What's The Difference?

I also kinda broke off my friends with benefits deal. it wasn't my complete intention, but she kept insisting that i sneak out of the house late at night to visit her. I told her no, that i wasn't really enjoying the whole thing, and that what i really wanted was a girlfriend and not someone to just fool around with. she got mad, and thats the end of that. she said lots of things like "i should have listened to my friends" and more stuff like that. why do i have a funny feeling that most of my future relationships will end this way?

I had a dream last night that i was having sex with someone. thats the first time i've ever managed to have sex in a dream. the downside was that I didn't end up getting off and it ended in a really weird way...it involved school and a few other things. i shouldn't be having school/sex dreams this early in the summer, i need another month to cool off.

I also went to the library today to research colleges. I found one of those Peterson/Thompson books that gives you an overview of the college. I looked at 11 colleges that a college councilor suggested, and I found out a few interesting things. I'm going to have to do further research, then i'll decide which ones I want to visit.

The 11 colleges are: (+=good, ++=great, O=neutral, -=not intersted, ?=no idea)
1. Princeton: +
2. Brown: -
3. MIT: O
4. Carnegie Mellon: ++
5. Bucknell: O
6. Lafayette: O
7. Lehigh: +
8. Stevens Institute of Technology: +
9. Rensselaer: O
10. University of Rochester: -
11. Wocester Polytechnic Institute: ?

I couldn't find any info on WPI. Feel free to comment on the colleges.

COOLEST THING. EVER.

2004-07-01T00:24:00.000-04:00

Music: more trance...trance spreeeee!
Mood:

HOMEMADE FLAMETHROWER!!

I don't know if i sohuld repeat that or what, but check it out....greatest thing ever...

emoticons!!

2004-06-30T21:08:00.000-04:00

Music: Shoutcast Stream
Mood:

Just testing out the emoticon thing !

afternoon...

2004-06-30T17:50:00.000-04:00

Music: ambient trance
Mood: active

     Note to self: get cool emoticons from to use for my mood [Emoticon Page].

     I'm a big fan of dA, i spend quite some time there actually. if you look at my dA page I have all sorts of favorites....I just keep adding to them. One of these days maybe i'll do something artsy and post something cool....maybe...someday.

     My Gentoo linux install is almost done on the P3, i'll be ready to start it on my Athlon-XP...or maybe I should install it on my sister's old 400 MHz celeron....yeah, maybe. If i can get her to not use it for a day or so...maybe longer depending on how long it takes even with distcc. I'd use a stage 3 install for hers as well as the P3, just so i can get it up and have a replacement desktop to use for a few days. I'll use them both to speed up the compile time of my stage 1 gentoo build for my AthlonXP. then i'll set up grid computing or something to that effect and harness the power of all 3 (perhaps a 4th soon) computers!! why I need all that power is beyond me, but why not use it if you can?

     I had my first ride on a motorcycle today where i wasn't in a sidecar. I was an old all original '57 harley. Ted was in front and I sat behind him. beautiful day for a ride....

     I have to go to the local library tomorrow to do research on some colleges. I'll post my list of colleges that I plan on visiting tomorrow and then after a few visits i'll pick 6 or less to apply to. I got my final grades and they aren't TOO bad (if you weight them the score goes up).

     P.E.: 96 - weighted: 101? (how do you weight gym?)
     APUSH: 73 - weighted: 84
     AP Chem: 85 - weighted: 98
     English 3 H: 81 - weighted: 89 - might be AP wieght: 93
     Engineering: 90 - weighted: 95
     Advanced Math H: 91 - weighted: 100
     Spanish 4 H: 92 - weighted: 101

     Average: 87 - weighted: 95
     Calculated GPA: 94.9 (i think) - old GPA was 102.94...i went down.
     Average GPA: 100.26 ( i assume)

     so good news all around. I didn't do as bad as I initially thought that I would. hurray!!

again and again...

2004-06-29T23:59:00.000-04:00

Music: 216.156.1.38:8200/ (shoutcast stream)
Mood: hacker mood

     no blogs, lots of blogs, no blogs, lots of blogs...so maybe it was my fear of talking about what I had to talk about. now that thats over i feel the need to share again, although so much is horribly wasted because I can never remember what i wanted to write about. its never organised and cohesive. ideas come and go. its a mess.

     I used to read this guy scott's blog [www.scottishot.com] and it was really cool for a while. then he stopped being an online nerd and talking to me and so i dropped him. oh well. what i learned from him (but never actually used) was his blogging writing style. he had been doing this for years (and then suddenly he was popular) so he had a good system down. he wrote notes and organised them as they happened during the day and then sat down and wrote a blog at night. this kid wrote HUGE blogs: usually 2,000 words and sometimes over 10,000 in a single blog. wow. of course it wasn't always cool to read, but it helped his writing style and his blogs were pretty good. that was my goal for blogging: to become a better writer. I also like it when people read my work, but oh well.

     So i should start making notes and talking about me and what I like and being more personal, because hey, its my stinking blog. but im always afraid that someone will read what i have written (maybe about them) and be offended. I try not to say bad things about others because no matter how much of an asshole they can be, there are times when you will need them and that won't work if they don't like you. so i try to be nice to everyone unless i can control the damage (as in manipulate them cause its funny).

     but i will write about them, and be blunt, and hope that they can take it because real friends shouldn't fall away that easily and hopefully no one from work reads this. yeah...lets hope.

     what so i like? we could look at my interests page, but then again that has nothing to do with me (i just realised while typing this that if someone was sitting here whatever im writing is something that i would be vocalising to them. i never shut up do i?). anyway, i like the fact that i can use html as i type and add links by hand and use cool code to make spaces and stuff. that makes me special....and this too:

yeah, don't ask.

wow, its kind of late....i'll write more tomorrow...ish

yes, why is it that i always mean to update....

2004-06-29T14:34:00.000-04:00

Music: Bright Eyes - Waste Of Paint
Mood: its summer?

     yeah, so i always want to update and add cool stuff...but my stuff just ain't that cool, unfortunately. and the fact that I don't really feel comfortable talking about whats going on in my daily life also kinda gets in the way. and since im always busy with work and more work and trying to see friends...its all time consuming. and what happened to my picture? it just up and left. oh well, i have this crappu digital camera that i'll take pics with. yeah, fun stuff.

     i think i need a list of things that i'll always update about. music or something. or what happened at work. or maybe just a sum up of each day, tho my life is painfully boring and therefore that would make for boring reading. but who reads this anyway. if you are reading this, i do this for you!

     ok, meaningful info: i think i talked about how i was friends with this girl, friends with benefits etc. did i mention that i snuck out of the house and rode my bike 4 miles to her house and made out at 1 AM? and did i mention that i made it to third? and did i mention that we still hang out and do this kind of stuff? no? well that was over a week ago. way for me to post shit.

     work has been picking up. it seems like we have new people each week because so many people keep leaving. that means i have to work twice as hard to compensate for their novice-ness. i think it also means that i get paid more tips. eh, idk. and all the new waitresses make work hell because they still don't know how to do everything they should. yuck.

     and i got another computer and monitor in my room. hopefully soon i'll have a third computer (no more monitors, unfortunately. i'll just have to ssh). yeah, so i've been installing gentoo linux on them, and its kind of a mess. every time i do install it i manage to screw up some aspect of the install. so i have to keep repeating it, which is ok really...but a big pain in the ass if you know what i mean. at least im getting better at it :-)

     music: so i found bright eyes...kinda. i had always listened to them before but never really paid any attention, then when i did it was like "WOW!" yeah, really great stuff. the lyrics are so....emotional and meaningful. damn, its great.

     lets hope i update tomorrow is well, get the ball rolling. oh, and i started reading Angels and Demons by Dan Brown, the author of the Da Vinci Code. yeah, that guy. thats all for now. later.

let the cool layout and blogging begin!

2004-06-20T01:19:00.000-04:00

Music: nothing
Mood: wacky

school is out! that means cool webstuff is on the way!

i hope no one reads this

2004-06-15T23:07:00.000-04:00

Music: Duvdev
Mood: screwed - need to STUDY!

     I'm not sure if that really counts as a mood or what, but its the truth. I spent the evening eating and watching The Return Of The King, then the early part of the night reading slashdot and checking deviantART and then this last part before tomorrow messing with pictures (i got my hands on this digital camera...still looking for a good pic of myself). so yeah, now that i'm blogging i'll have no time to write an essay and study a year's worth of math. oh well, i never really liked those classes anyway.

     Ever wish that you could tell everyone something, get their reaction, and then have them all forget? no? me neither, but i was thinking about it. today was an interesting day. is that all i should say? anything more may land me in a bad place....oh well i can always delete it, right?

     so i was gone from my house today from about 2:00 to 6:30. thats a long time to be gone. too long to just be out riding the bike, or at the park. yeah, i had to be somewhere...with someone. at least thats what my mom suspected as she made crude references like "so whats her name?" yeah, im not liking that. let me explain:

     so once upon a time nick hung out with this girl, and then they kissed, and then he wasn't sure what to call this new thing in his life but he didn't feel very commited. of course he never gave it time to grow but u could call it having a girlfriend. time goes by. theres this awkward period of time where they don't talk. then one day they're waiting outside the guidance office together and start to chat. nothing important but it gets things moving again. . so they talk online and realise how much they kinda miss each others company and how they really don't want a relationship but just want to be friends and have "benefits" and hang out and stuff. and should another person come along they can stop the benefits part and go out with that new person. sounds like just what nick was looking for. he's in. they start to hang out again...a lot.

     so today was one of those hang out days. i biked there (i also biked there yesterday but her mom came home unexpectedly and i had to hurry out the back before much happened). its a good 3-4 miles (look how far i go for some action). i bike there in about 15 minutes with stoplights and everything else and then we hang out for like 4 hours. of course her little brother is home the whole time. then her mom comes home. then her little sister comes home...theres not much alone time there. except for later on when the kids go in the pool and her mom is somewhere, and i happen to be hiding downstairs. where she finds me, and then i sit in a chair and then we kiss for woh knows how long. then the kids are out of the pool and her mom wants her to set up the badmitton net for the kids....and wonders why were "talking" in a dark area downstairs...yeah, not too cool.

     so then we act like nothing happened, and her mom leaves for the store with her little sister and her brother is downstairs on the computer playing Collapse. so we go upstairs on the couch. and we kiss some more. and the kissing gets better the each session, which is cool. then the brother comes upstairs to play laser tag by himself. we head back downstairs and do some more kissing. i'd stay but its getting late as it is and i need to get home before there are more questions than there will already be.

     So as im biking home i have this thought: "what does it mean to be dating anyway?" isn't it kinda where 2 people go places together and hang out with some kissing involved? isn't that what im doing? does that make us dating even tho i don't want to be dating? so here i am and i still don't know what exactly this is. its the same boyfriend/girlfriend idea. if you are friends, and you're kissing, that makes you boyfriend and girlfriend right? or do you need to have special feelings for one another? i don't really have those kind of feelings. so...what does all this mean? i guess i think about this entirely too much, but it needs to be thought about.

     oh, and the other problem, another thing i don't want people i know reading but something i would like advice on all the same. when it comes to feeling up a girl, how does it work? i mean if she has a bra on its not all that easy and theres little point to it. or am i wrong? i don't know, never done this before. if someone would kindly explain this to me it's be great...or not, you know how it goes.

death is in the air

2004-06-11T01:44:00.000-04:00

Music: Fairweather: If They Move...Kill Them
Mood: wow...I may not make it through the day

     YAY! Lets have a nice little chat about nick perception of relationships, because they end up consuming a large part of his time and he wants to define his take on them so that he can examine himself and make a good choice. Here we go...

     So I've had one girlfriend...ever. It was this year not too long ago. Maybe a month or two. And it wasn't very girlfriend/boyfriend oriented at the time either. I can't say it was ever more than a label for me kissing another person a few times after school. Every time I look back on it, I think of a new reason, or set of reasons, or examine my reasons for ending the relationship. Fidelity is a very important moral to me. More important than telling the truth, than a lot of other things (its late and my brain has hit its dead point). At the time I had met a very special person that I wanted to get to know more intimately (that never panned out, that's the way these things go I guess - I still talk to her but she doesn't seem interested and she lives a little ways away) and so I was afraid to lock myself into a relationship.

     Because I would feel like the biggest jerk in the world to date someone then drop them as soon as someone else comes along, or to even kiss someone else behind their back, I had to kill the relationship before it got any further than it had. You know, I never thought about what a relationship really is. It is more than just kissing, or even being friends. A relationship is more about love, about dedication, about you and that other person and what you make together.

     Making out and being "friends with benefits" and hanging out is not the same thing. That's what a lot of high school, and even college I suppose, relationships are. Sure there's more sex in college, but that doesn't really change much when you examine a relationship. Now don't get me wrong I'm not going to go sleep with a whole bunch of people because its not a relationship and I don't have to feel guilty. I'm very much against random people sex...but that's bound to change.

     So now I realize I'm really just being close friends with this person. Is that a bad thing? We both seem to just want to be able to kiss with nothing to lose. But isn't that the age old seamier? That both of you want nothing to lose but you end up making it bigger than it should be, and having feelings you shouldn't, and then each person loses something. That's the way it goes I guess.

     This brings me to the topic of death...why that is the title of an entry about relationships I don't know. I'm too tired to read this and find out where I left out too much info for this to make any sense. Anyway...2 people very close to me are worried that a person close to them may die. So I listen to both because I know that they need it and I try to be helpful. And anyways I may look back on this and realize all this relationship talk was like blood in the water with a shark nearby. I'm foretelling something. Wow...

Step Number One - quite long...

2004-06-10T01:20:00.000-04:00

Music: Streaming Psy/Goa Trance
Mood: Tired

     I owe this to myself. I haven't been able to blog in a while, and now that I can, that is exactly what I am going to do. This is the first step of many on the road of self improvement. I am going to become the person I have always dreamed of being, but never put forth the effort to become. I always thought that it would just happen. That all of a sudden I would be brilliant, talented, charming. No, that's not how it works, not in the real world anyway. You can't just want to change. You can't just let time run its course. If you want change you have to decide, here and now, if you will put forth the time, the energy, the effort, and subject yourself to countless hours of education and scrutiny while you sculpt yourself into the person you desire to be.

     A lot of adults I meet tell me that I am a very intelligent and interesting young man. I recently met a woman, my college advisor who will assist me in the college search, and talked to her for about 4 hours in our first meeting. By the end of that meeting, she already knew that I was educated, intelligent, and that I had a great mind. I'll admit that most of those things are true. The sad part is that those traits only take you so far. Drive, hard work, commitment, and good old common sense are also important qualities. I am not as blessed in that respect as I am in raw intelligence. Well, as others must study harder and think longer to compensate for their deficiencies, so must I.

     I was never a news reader. I never felt the need to constantly know what was going on in the world around me and let everything pass me by. I would spend countless hours on pointless, meaning less research about computer and internet material that was guaranteed to change drastically within the next 5 years, that I had no use for at the present time. I avoided the work that was required of me that would help me improve in school and as a writer and as a thinker, and instead looked for ways to further separate myself from society. This was not only damaging to my future, as grades DO count, but it hurt me as a person. I always thought that to be an intellectual you had to be well versed in only a few topics, and surround yourself with people with similar interests. Oh how wrong I was.

     It is impossible to take a stance on an issue when you have no knowledge of the issue, or you repeat arguments you have heard others make, or you fake knowledge and make up your mind on the spot. You have no evidence, you learn nothing, and you can do nothing to help others refine their viewpoint. I admit, while someone who is ignorant can bring up issues that have not been covered and offer opposing viewpoints, they cannot truly help or change anyone. I used to be that ignorant person, who heard the news last and only heard a secondhand version of it. I was wasting my intelligence by being ignorant. I reached a point and decided I had to change.

     I was never really happy with my outward appearance. I have never considered myself good looking or attractive. I could lie to myself, but in truth I felt that I exhibited no attractive qualities. Once again, I was prepared to let that run its course. That I would either change by chance, or that something would happen to me to bring about change. Never did I think to take it upon myself and dedicate myself to improving my outward appearance. For maybe a week I would do push-ups or some other exercise, but because I never saw any improvement (I never gave it a chance) I gave up. I lacked the dedication to change, and at the same time I was going about it in entirely the wrong way. By exercising, I hoped to make myself more appealing to others. That I would be better equipped to survive (survive what, I'm not sure). I would wear t-shirts in the cold to prove that I could withstand the temperatures, I ate and drank less, to show that I could manage, I slept less so that I knew that I didn't need a full night sleep to function. Instead of improving myself by depriving myself of needs, I simply damaged my body and hurt myself.

     I was doing everything wrong. We (or I, I'm not sure how others feel) attribute qualities of weakness or softness with those people who are well fed, appropriately dressed, and who receive enough sleep. Perhaps it is a way for those who lack those qualities and are jealous to raise themselves up. Whatever the reason, it is better to be well fed ect. So I started to drink lots of water, a lot more than I used to anyway. I drank very little each day. Perhaps one liter of liquids in total each day. While this was enough to survive, I was denying my body what it needed. Now that I drink 3 liters or more of just water each day, I can already see a marked difference. This is a good change that is simple, and helps to improve me instead of hurting me.

     I jumped onto that other topic, and never finished the previous one. But as I write I feel like I'm writing more and more bullshit. Sure it feels good to write, but is it worth anything? No, I doubt it. Nevertheless, I shall finish what I have started and tell you the rest of the tale (the likelihood of ANYONE reading this far into my blog, if they even read it at all, is close to none).

     So I started reading the news. I got an RSS reader, called an aggregator, that gets me news from the Washington post, the BBC, and TIME every time they publish a new article. This allows me to read the news and stay up to date. Yay, go me. So that's enough of THAT!

Its quite late at this point...time to finish up my work and head to bed - its where I belong.

Ok, so is blogger the way to go?

2004-06-09T22:25:00.000-04:00

I've tried running my own blog, till my webhosting crapped out. I tried livejournal, but im just not a livejournal kind of guy, im a blog kind of guy. I'm giving this a shot, because i love to have a place to post all the useless info about my day and have people read about it. or at least give them the option to.

A blog provides for an emotional release, a chance for me to get feelings off my chest and store them so i can examen them later. lets hope blogger will do all that i need it to.

Yeah, so 3 posts....

2004-06-09T20:28:00.000-04:00

Music: Coheed And Cambria - Cassiopeia
Mood: TOO MUCH WORK DAMNIT

The point is that this site needs some coolness...and once i get some time from this hell that consumes the focus of my being every waking moment (that could be the internet or school - not sure which) I'll custo-mizate-ish it. It will probably include some cool stuff from deviantart (great art site, go waste a few hours there), megatokyo, and other random stuff. my sites all look like crap, but who cares?

yeah, so now onto all this make up work i have due in the last 2 days of school because of a goddamn sinus infection that won't go away. [insert scream here].

Perhaps yes, it may do what i require

2004-06-09T19:57:00.000-04:00

Music: Yellowcard - Ocean Avenue
Mood: Determined

Well, this may be what i needed. I can blog, and everything else just fine. it has comments, i can post info about me, its allllll good.

look forward to numerous posts about how my life is and all sorts of other tidbits. I don't hold much back in a blog, tho i have learned not to tell people everything, because then they get interested and bad things happen. Keep it on the DL. yeah, i have a paper to write now, maybe another post before i go to bed.