Step Number One - quite long...

Music: Streaming Psy/Goa Trance
Mood: Tired

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     I owe this to myself. I haven't been able to blog in a while, and now that I can, that is exactly what I am going to do. This is the first step of many on the road of self improvement. I am going to become the person I have always dreamed of being, but never put forth the effort to become. I always thought that it would just happen. That all of a sudden I would be brilliant, talented, charming. No, that's not how it works, not in the real world anyway. You can't just want to change. You can't just let time run its course. If you want change you have to decide, here and now, if you will put forth the time, the energy, the effort, and subject yourself to countless hours of education and scrutiny while you sculpt yourself into the person you desire to be.

     A lot of adults I meet tell me that I am a very intelligent and interesting young man. I recently met a woman, my college advisor who will assist me in the college search, and talked to her for about 4 hours in our first meeting. By the end of that meeting, she already knew that I was educated, intelligent, and that I had a great mind. I'll admit that most of those things are true. The sad part is that those traits only take you so far. Drive, hard work, commitment, and good old common sense are also important qualities. I am not as blessed in that respect as I am in raw intelligence. Well, as others must study harder and think longer to compensate for their deficiencies, so must I.

     I was never a news reader. I never felt the need to constantly know what was going on in the world around me and let everything pass me by. I would spend countless hours on pointless, meaning less research about computer and internet material that was guaranteed to change drastically within the next 5 years, that I had no use for at the present time. I avoided the work that was required of me that would help me improve in school and as a writer and as a thinker, and instead looked for ways to further separate myself from society. This was not only damaging to my future, as grades DO count, but it hurt me as a person. I always thought that to be an intellectual you had to be well versed in only a few topics, and surround yourself with people with similar interests. Oh how wrong I was.

     It is impossible to take a stance on an issue when you have no knowledge of the issue, or you repeat arguments you have heard others make, or you fake knowledge and make up your mind on the spot. You have no evidence, you learn nothing, and you can do nothing to help others refine their viewpoint. I admit, while someone who is ignorant can bring up issues that have not been covered and offer opposing viewpoints, they cannot truly help or change anyone. I used to be that ignorant person, who heard the news last and only heard a secondhand version of it. I was wasting my intelligence by being ignorant. I reached a point and decided I had to change.

     I was never really happy with my outward appearance. I have never considered myself good looking or attractive. I could lie to myself, but in truth I felt that I exhibited no attractive qualities. Once again, I was prepared to let that run its course. That I would either change by chance, or that something would happen to me to bring about change. Never did I think to take it upon myself and dedicate myself to improving my outward appearance. For maybe a week I would do push-ups or some other exercise, but because I never saw any improvement (I never gave it a chance) I gave up. I lacked the dedication to change, and at the same time I was going about it in entirely the wrong way. By exercising, I hoped to make myself more appealing to others. That I would be better equipped to survive (survive what, I'm not sure). I would wear t-shirts in the cold to prove that I could withstand the temperatures, I ate and drank less, to show that I could manage, I slept less so that I knew that I didn't need a full night sleep to function. Instead of improving myself by depriving myself of needs, I simply damaged my body and hurt myself.

     I was doing everything wrong. We (or I, I'm not sure how others feel) attribute qualities of weakness or softness with those people who are well fed, appropriately dressed, and who receive enough sleep. Perhaps it is a way for those who lack those qualities and are jealous to raise themselves up. Whatever the reason, it is better to be well fed ect. So I started to drink lots of water, a lot more than I used to anyway. I drank very little each day. Perhaps one liter of liquids in total each day. While this was enough to survive, I was denying my body what it needed. Now that I drink 3 liters or more of just water each day, I can already see a marked difference. This is a good change that is simple, and helps to improve me instead of hurting me.

     I jumped onto that other topic, and never finished the previous one. But as I write I feel like I'm writing more and more bullshit. Sure it feels good to write, but is it worth anything? No, I doubt it. Nevertheless, I shall finish what I have started and tell you the rest of the tale (the likelihood of ANYONE reading this far into my blog, if they even read it at all, is close to none).

     So I started reading the news. I got an RSS reader, called an aggregator, that gets me news from the Washington post, the BBC, and TIME every time they publish a new article. This allows me to read the news and stay up to date. Yay, go me. So that's enough of THAT!

Its quite late at this point...time to finish up my work and head to bed - its where I belong.