death is in the air

Music: Fairweather: If They Move...Kill Them
Mood: wow...I may not make it through the day

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     YAY! Lets have a nice little chat about nick perception of relationships, because they end up consuming a large part of his time and he wants to define his take on them so that he can examine himself and make a good choice. Here we go...

     So I've had one girlfriend...ever. It was this year not too long ago. Maybe a month or two. And it wasn't very girlfriend/boyfriend oriented at the time either. I can't say it was ever more than a label for me kissing another person a few times after school. Every time I look back on it, I think of a new reason, or set of reasons, or examine my reasons for ending the relationship. Fidelity is a very important moral to me. More important than telling the truth, than a lot of other things (its late and my brain has hit its dead point). At the time I had met a very special person that I wanted to get to know more intimately (that never panned out, that's the way these things go I guess - I still talk to her but she doesn't seem interested and she lives a little ways away) and so I was afraid to lock myself into a relationship.

     Because I would feel like the biggest jerk in the world to date someone then drop them as soon as someone else comes along, or to even kiss someone else behind their back, I had to kill the relationship before it got any further than it had. You know, I never thought about what a relationship really is. It is more than just kissing, or even being friends. A relationship is more about love, about dedication, about you and that other person and what you make together.

     Making out and being "friends with benefits" and hanging out is not the same thing. That's what a lot of high school, and even college I suppose, relationships are. Sure there's more sex in college, but that doesn't really change much when you examine a relationship. Now don't get me wrong I'm not going to go sleep with a whole bunch of people because its not a relationship and I don't have to feel guilty. I'm very much against random people sex...but that's bound to change.

     So now I realize I'm really just being close friends with this person. Is that a bad thing? We both seem to just want to be able to kiss with nothing to lose. But isn't that the age old seamier? That both of you want nothing to lose but you end up making it bigger than it should be, and having feelings you shouldn't, and then each person loses something. That's the way it goes I guess.

     This brings me to the topic of death...why that is the title of an entry about relationships I don't know. I'm too tired to read this and find out where I left out too much info for this to make any sense. Anyway...2 people very close to me are worried that a person close to them may die. So I listen to both because I know that they need it and I try to be helpful. And anyways I may look back on this and realize all this relationship talk was like blood in the water with a shark nearby. I'm foretelling something. Wow...