i hope no one reads this

Music: Duvdev
Mood: screwed - need to STUDY!

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     I'm not sure if that really counts as a mood or what, but its the truth. I spent the evening eating and watching The Return Of The King, then the early part of the night reading slashdot and checking deviantART and then this last part before tomorrow messing with pictures (i got my hands on this digital camera...still looking for a good pic of myself). so yeah, now that i'm blogging i'll have no time to write an essay and study a year's worth of math. oh well, i never really liked those classes anyway.

     Ever wish that you could tell everyone something, get their reaction, and then have them all forget? no? me neither, but i was thinking about it. today was an interesting day. is that all i should say? anything more may land me in a bad place....oh well i can always delete it, right?

     so i was gone from my house today from about 2:00 to 6:30. thats a long time to be gone. too long to just be out riding the bike, or at the park. yeah, i had to be somewhere...with someone. at least thats what my mom suspected as she made crude references like "so whats her name?" yeah, im not liking that. let me explain:

     so once upon a time nick hung out with this girl, and then they kissed, and then he wasn't sure what to call this new thing in his life but he didn't feel very commited. of course he never gave it time to grow but u could call it having a girlfriend. time goes by. theres this awkward period of time where they don't talk. then one day they're waiting outside the guidance office together and start to chat. nothing important but it gets things moving again. . so they talk online and realise how much they kinda miss each others company and how they really don't want a relationship but just want to be friends and have "benefits" and hang out and stuff. and should another person come along they can stop the benefits part and go out with that new person. sounds like just what nick was looking for. he's in. they start to hang out again...a lot.

     so today was one of those hang out days. i biked there (i also biked there yesterday but her mom came home unexpectedly and i had to hurry out the back before much happened). its a good 3-4 miles (look how far i go for some action). i bike there in about 15 minutes with stoplights and everything else and then we hang out for like 4 hours. of course her little brother is home the whole time. then her mom comes home. then her little sister comes home...theres not much alone time there. except for later on when the kids go in the pool and her mom is somewhere, and i happen to be hiding downstairs. where she finds me, and then i sit in a chair and then we kiss for woh knows how long. then the kids are out of the pool and her mom wants her to set up the badmitton net for the kids....and wonders why were "talking" in a dark area downstairs...yeah, not too cool.

     so then we act like nothing happened, and her mom leaves for the store with her little sister and her brother is downstairs on the computer playing Collapse. so we go upstairs on the couch. and we kiss some more. and the kissing gets better the each session, which is cool. then the brother comes upstairs to play laser tag by himself. we head back downstairs and do some more kissing. i'd stay but its getting late as it is and i need to get home before there are more questions than there will already be.

     So as im biking home i have this thought: "what does it mean to be dating anyway?" isn't it kinda where 2 people go places together and hang out with some kissing involved? isn't that what im doing? does that make us dating even tho i don't want to be dating? so here i am and i still don't know what exactly this is. its the same boyfriend/girlfriend idea. if you are friends, and you're kissing, that makes you boyfriend and girlfriend right? or do you need to have special feelings for one another? i don't really have those kind of feelings. so...what does all this mean? i guess i think about this entirely too much, but it needs to be thought about.

     oh, and the other problem, another thing i don't want people i know reading but something i would like advice on all the same. when it comes to feeling up a girl, how does it work? i mean if she has a bra on its not all that easy and theres little point to it. or am i wrong? i don't know, never done this before. if someone would kindly explain this to me it's be great...or not, you know how it goes.