what? why? how?

somehow i'm blogging twice in a row on two different blogs (i just blogged on the new one, but something compelled me to blog on this one too. go figure.

i really have nothing more to say than you can find on the other (i KNOW people hate following different links, but really, if you care about reading more than just general crap, visit the other one)

http://guti.freeownhost.com/
http://guti.freeownhost.com/
http://guti.freeownhost.com/
http://guti.freeownhost.com/
http://guti.freeownhost.com/
http://guti.freeownhost.com/

just in case you got lost? congradulations: its late and i'm nonsensical! i can't even spell anymore! whoo!

everything that makes me me that i try to suppress so that i see less odd:
I love dancing
I know I suck at both singing and dancing but i do them anyway
i think sex is a funny topic and i offend people by accident a lot by making sexual inuendos
i had sex with your mom last night
i am a sucker for girls who are nice to me
im a sucker for guys who are nice to me too
i rarely think things through before i say them
i overthink things before i do them
my ideas don't usually work
my best ideas are the ones i never use
i rarely start anything important
i finish what i start even less
i confuse dreams and reality
im all talk
i cross the bridge before i get to it
then i get lost on the way there
i blame myself for everything
i don't think other people like me
i always feel alone

Its been so long

I never come here, but Its like I never leave....strange huh?

I've started a new blog at guti.freeownhost.com cause I think its cooler than blogger. sure I don't get the community of other bloggers that can find me through searching and everything else, but I never had much luck meeting new people online. not that I don't want to, just that every time I try to the other person seems less interested in getting to know me. I love meeting new people, so feel free to drop me a line.

Check the above link for cooler updates, the posts here will be few and far between.

even tho im busy....

yeah, so im supposed to be so busy that i don't have time for this. but i saw someone's away message, and it had something related to beer, and that sent me over the edge. i know im not perfect, and that i've been drunk, and that if it was ok for me to do it why isn't it ok for others. basically i got drunk once with others, and i decided not to do it again after that. i don't like the way it makes me feel, and i think it only makes you feel like you're having a good time, even when you aren't.

this leads me to the main qualities i want in a girl. i've always felt that i needed someone, and i don't think that i need to be dating someone, or that i NEED someone, but i just want that close relationship. and so often i find it hard to form that because of personality traits that i just don't agree with.

I don't agree with smoking, drinking, or drugs, and i wouldn't want to be around someone that did.

I want someone who is real. i want someone that speaks their mind and has an opinion.

I want someone who enjoys being close. i don't mean sexually close, but just a warm friendly extroverted person.

I want someone who has one great passion or desire. a dream that they want to work towards.

I want someone who is fit and possibly athletic. i think physical fitness is just as important as cleanliness. you should respect yourself enough to be fit.

I want someone who is a hands on person, someone who isn't afraid to get their hands dirty and has the confidence to try new things.

I want someone that respects others.

those are really the core traits i look for in another person. those are more important than what music you listen to, or what you look like, or what you wear, or where you live, or anything like that. even if you were everything i wanted you to be, except for these traits, i wouldn't want to be around you.

yeah, not sure why i felt like i had to say all that, but i just wanted you all to know.

some more of this

each day seems so short, yet so long. and nothing new ever seems to happen, but many things change each day. yeah, so basically its life....

new things: hamlet, WISE project, gattaca, college...

wow, i have so much to do tonight and i haven't done any of it. gotta go!

i was there

photoshop powers! 

yeah, so i have extreme photoshop skills (so not so extreme, but you'd think it was me).

original: here

Waking Up To Yellow

With hopes of starting over...

it seems that everything i say today has to do with the starting line. i guess the race has started but i haven't even reached the start. so if this isn't the start, where am i? these senseless ramblings really are a pain to deal with i'm sure, but its just pouring out of my head.

ugh. whats the use of this thing anyway? if your looking for something interesting, go live your life. don't try to feed off mine. you'll starve. but all joking aside, there's nothing here that you can't find by yourself. If you want to know about my day, just ask. If you want to know all my secret thoughts, ask me. if you want to see a counterfeit version of who i am, read this so i can feed you bull. makes you want to stick around doesn't it? Well i don't, but it seems i have no choice in the matter.

so what should i fill this with? my secret loves, my likes and dislikes, what i thought of the movie i saw the other day? how about spanish work? yeah 28 sentences. if you can't do it right by the third then you obviously don't get it. and if you can, why repeat it 25 more times? it feels like a giant waste to me. but what do i know, im just an angry and confused 17 year old. "you don't know what you don't know." thats what they say, which must mean someone knows what i don't know. so tell me oh mnipotent one, what don't i know? that reminds me of stewie from family guy. "omnipotence: gotta get me some of that, hmmm..." i started watching that show, its funny, don't think i'll care about it in 30 years.

is that the only stuff worth promoting? the stuff that will last until the next decade? how long will angst be in for? when will teenagers find another theme and then make all the music about angst obsolete? when will i stop asking questions? ever? is that the end, when we don't have anything to ask anymore?

it's happening again, just so you know. im getting nothing done again, my grades are turning into putrid pools of....crap basically. i don't see the point in any of it. why practice what you've mastered? why spend an hour doing something old when you can learn something new? i think i have ADD. nay, i know i have it, i know i can't focus. i know i won't take medication either. its just one of those things i don't like about society. when we talk about overcoming adversity, if we medicate you till your barriers are gone how proud can you be? im just stubborn. i don't know why i say that kind of stuff. i hate society, but i can't change it. might as well just fit in.

i give up. no, i won't tell you what song i have on repeat, and no i won't try to label my emotions with a cute emoticon. no i won't give you a picture. i'm going to leave you empty and let you fill the gaps yourself. "oh piss it!"

never really gone...

No time tonight to find a mood or an image...im slowly losing interest in deviant art. i know that some day i'll look back at it and decide i love it all over again, but for now i couldn't care less.

School starts in less than a week so im very busy trying to get everything done before that happens. I have books to read and journal as well as my job and the lawn and meetings and a whole bunch of crap that i just don't have the time for. but I want to drop it all and just spend time with someone new...who i don't understand at all, but who i wish i could know everything about.

shes an enigma really. I can't tell what she's thinking. shes beautiful and smart and funny and i love being around her and talking to her. I feel like the luckiest person alive because i met her. someday, i may regret those words, but for now i feel positive and there is certainly room to grow.

I came back from camp last saturday and have been busy ever since. I was at my dad's for a few days, and then i worked all day today and went to drivers ed. soon i will finish that and be free. i'll have a licence and be able to travel wherever my heart desires. ahhh....can't wait.

running camp was awesome. too awesome to describe and i did too many dumb/funny things to tell about them all. i want to go back there so much, so my goal is to run a 4:30 mile by the end of the year and to run a 17:00 5k. They are very high goals, but i really want to go back to that camp as a counselor and those are the numbers i need.

lately i've been thinking about college and what i want to do with my life. i am seriously considering not going to college at all and instead traveling and living life and meeting people. sure its not a real solid plan, but its something i want to think more about and possibly pursue. time will help me decide.

thats all for now cause its late. i'll be around with more updates soon.

where are you? and where am I?

Blog Image:

Music: trying some spill canvas
Mood:

And as the summer's ending,
The cold air will rush your hard heart away
You were so condescending:
And this is all that's left.
Scraping paper to document
I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.

gotta love death cab. makes me excited because the OC is coming back in november! YAY! i can hardly wait. So i've been on an anime binge the last couple days. i watched 2 whole series and half of a third. Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, Battle Programmer Shirase, and Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex 2nd GIG. love Ghost in the Shell. can't wait for the second movie to be released in the US.

I taught myself how to add subtitles to movies this week. Its a lot of fun to do, even if it is boring and tedious, but i love seeing my work pay off. hopefully i'll be able to join a fansub group and be a timer or a typesetter. that would be cool.

next week im going away to running camp. I'll be gone, so don't bother to message me (im secretly hoping there is a cyber cafe or something nearby. maybe an arcade with DDR, that would be awesome). hopefully i'll meet some super hot chick there and have a really fun time at camp. yeah....thats the game plan folks.

the summer is ending....which means school....and homework...and no time whatsoever. its all good tho, im a senior now. nya (japanese cat noise). My plans include getting to know the jap exchange student and learning a crap-load of japanese. yeah...good plan.

ok: crucial part of blog where i tell something important. theres this girl that i was like obsessed with since.....like last february. she lived a little more than an hour away but i had met her at a track meet and then thought she was the coolest thing since sliced bread. so i talked to her for the longest time and always thought that maybe one day we could date or something, or at least hang out. we never did hang out, and i got really upset at times because i was sure that she didn't care for me at all even tho i wanted her to so much.

so the other night we were talking online (as we normally did) and we started talking about religion. she proclaimed herself a strict atheist and revealed a horribly dismal outlook on life. i was stunned. she was raised catholic but chose not to believe in God. I myself was raised without a particular religion and i have more faith in God every day. she came off as a complete cynic....very different from who i thought she was. and thats when i realised that just because we liked the same things on the surface level, and that i thought she was a great person, it didn't make us very compatible. i used to think we'd make the perfect couple, but my whole outlook suddenly changed.

i had tried to remove her from my life before so that i could stop liking her. i knew it would never work out but i wanted it to so badly, and it was hurting me. but everytime i tried i still ended up coming back. now all of a sudden i feel released. i know that i wouldn't want to date her, because there are things about her that i wouldn't be able to stand. that we are too different on a much deeper level. so now it is easy to remove her, and i have. and i feel all the better for it. nothing against her, but i just feel so good to be finally free.

have a good week everyone!