Wednesday, June 30, 2004
!
afternoon...
Music: ambient trance
Mood: active
Note to self: get cool emoticons from
to use for my mood [Emoticon Page].
I'm a big fan of dA, i spend quite some time there actually. if you look at my dA page I have all sorts of favorites....I just keep adding to them. One of these days maybe i'll do something artsy and post something cool....maybe...someday.
My Gentoo linux install is almost done on the P3, i'll be ready to start it on my Athlon-XP...or maybe I should install it on my sister's old 400 MHz celeron....yeah, maybe. If i can get her to not use it for a day or so...maybe longer depending on how long it takes even with distcc. I'd use a stage 3 install for hers as well as the P3, just so i can get it up and have a replacement desktop to use for a few days. I'll use them both to speed up the compile time of my stage 1 gentoo build for my AthlonXP. then i'll set up grid computing or something to that effect and harness the power of all 3 (perhaps a 4th soon) computers!! why I need all that power is beyond me, but why not use it if you can?
I had my first ride on a motorcycle today where i wasn't in a sidecar. I was an old all original '57 harley. Ted was in front and I sat behind him. beautiful day for a ride....
I have to go to the local library tomorrow to do research on some colleges. I'll post my list of colleges that I plan on visiting tomorrow and then after a few visits i'll pick 6 or less to apply to. I got my final grades and they aren't TOO bad (if you weight them the score goes up).
P.E.: 96 - weighted: 101? (how do you weight gym?)
APUSH: 73 - weighted: 84
AP Chem: 85 - weighted: 98
English 3 H: 81 - weighted: 89 - might be AP wieght: 93
Engineering: 90 - weighted: 95
Advanced Math H: 91 - weighted: 100
Spanish 4 H: 92 - weighted: 101
Average: 87 - weighted: 95
Calculated GPA: 94.9 (i think) - old GPA was 102.94...i went down.
Average GPA: 100.26 ( i assume)
so good news all around. I didn't do as bad as I initially thought that I would. hurray!!
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
again and again...
Music: 216.156.1.38:8200/ (shoutcast stream)
Mood: hacker mood
no blogs, lots of blogs, no blogs, lots of blogs...so maybe it was my fear of talking about what I had to talk about. now that thats over i feel the need to share again, although so much is horribly wasted because I can never remember what i wanted to write about. its never organised and cohesive. ideas come and go. its a mess.
I used to read this guy scott's blog [www.scottishot.com] and it was really cool for a while. then he stopped being an online nerd and talking to me and so i dropped him. oh well. what i learned from him (but never actually used) was his blogging writing style. he had been doing this for years (and then suddenly he was popular) so he had a good system down. he wrote notes and organised them as they happened during the day and then sat down and wrote a blog at night. this kid wrote HUGE blogs: usually 2,000 words and sometimes over 10,000 in a single blog. wow. of course it wasn't always cool to read, but it helped his writing style and his blogs were pretty good. that was my goal for blogging: to become a better writer. I also like it when people read my work, but oh well.
So i should start making notes and talking about me and what I like and being more personal, because hey, its my stinking blog. but im always afraid that someone will read what i have written (maybe about them) and be offended. I try not to say bad things about others because no matter how much of an asshole they can be, there are times when you will need them and that won't work if they don't like you. so i try to be nice to everyone unless i can control the damage (as in manipulate them cause its funny).
but i will write about them, and be blunt, and hope that they can take it because real friends shouldn't fall away that easily and hopefully no one from work reads this. yeah...lets hope.
what so i like? we could look at my interests page, but then again that has nothing to do with me (i just realised while typing this that if someone was sitting here whatever im writing is something that i would be vocalising to them. i never shut up do i?). anyway, i like the fact that i can use html as i type and add links by hand and use cool code to make spaces and stuff. that makes me special....and this too:
yeah, don't ask.
wow, its kind of late....i'll write more tomorrow...ish
yes, why is it that i always mean to update....
Music: Bright Eyes - Waste Of Paint
Mood: its summer?
yeah, so i always want to update and add cool stuff...but my stuff just ain't that cool, unfortunately. and the fact that I don't really feel comfortable talking about whats going on in my daily life also kinda gets in the way. and since im always busy with work and more work and trying to see friends...its all time consuming. and what happened to my picture? it just up and left. oh well, i have this crappu digital camera that i'll take pics with. yeah, fun stuff.
i think i need a list of things that i'll always update about. music or something. or what happened at work. or maybe just a sum up of each day, tho my life is painfully boring and therefore that would make for boring reading. but who reads this anyway. if you are reading this, i do this for you!
ok, meaningful info: i think i talked about how i was friends with this girl, friends with benefits etc. did i mention that i snuck out of the house and rode my bike 4 miles to her house and made out at 1 AM? and did i mention that i made it to third? and did i mention that we still hang out and do this kind of stuff? no? well that was over a week ago. way for me to post shit.
work has been picking up. it seems like we have new people each week because so many people keep leaving. that means i have to work twice as hard to compensate for their novice-ness. i think it also means that i get paid more tips. eh, idk. and all the new waitresses make work hell because they still don't know how to do everything they should. yuck.
and i got another computer and monitor in my room. hopefully soon i'll have a third computer (no more monitors, unfortunately. i'll just have to ssh). yeah, so i've been installing gentoo linux on them, and its kind of a mess. every time i do install it i manage to screw up some aspect of the install. so i have to keep repeating it, which is ok really...but a big pain in the ass if you know what i mean. at least im getting better at it :-)
music: so i found bright eyes...kinda. i had always listened to them before but never really paid any attention, then when i did it was like "WOW!" yeah, really great stuff. the lyrics are so....emotional and meaningful. damn, its great.
lets hope i update tomorrow is well, get the ball rolling. oh, and i started reading Angels and Demons by Dan Brown, the author of the Da Vinci Code. yeah, that guy. thats all for now. later.
Sunday, June 20, 2004
let the cool layout and blogging begin!
Music: nothing
Mood: wacky
school is out! that means cool webstuff is on the way!
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
i hope no one reads this
Music: Duvdev
Mood: screwed - need to STUDY!
I'm not sure if that really counts as a mood or what, but its the truth. I spent the evening eating and watching The Return Of The King, then the early part of the night reading slashdot and checking deviantART and then this last part before tomorrow messing with pictures (i got my hands on this digital camera...still looking for a good pic of myself). so yeah, now that i'm blogging i'll have no time to write an essay and study a year's worth of math. oh well, i never really liked those classes anyway.
Ever wish that you could tell everyone something, get their reaction, and then have them all forget? no? me neither, but i was thinking about it. today was an interesting day. is that all i should say? anything more may land me in a bad place....oh well i can always delete it, right?
so i was gone from my house today from about 2:00 to 6:30. thats a long time to be gone. too long to just be out riding the bike, or at the park. yeah, i had to be somewhere...with someone. at least thats what my mom suspected as she made crude references like "so whats her name?" yeah, im not liking that. let me explain:
so once upon a time nick hung out with this girl, and then they kissed, and then he wasn't sure what to call this new thing in his life but he didn't feel very commited. of course he never gave it time to grow but u could call it having a girlfriend. time goes by. theres this awkward period of time where they don't talk. then one day they're waiting outside the guidance office together and start to chat. nothing important but it gets things moving again.
so today was one of those hang out days. i biked there (i also biked there yesterday but her mom came home unexpectedly and i had to hurry out the back before much happened). its a good 3-4 miles (look how far i go for some action). i bike there in about 15 minutes with stoplights and everything else and then we hang out for like 4 hours. of course her little brother is home the whole time. then her mom comes home. then her little sister comes home...theres not much alone time there. except for later on when the kids go in the pool and her mom is somewhere, and i happen to be hiding downstairs. where she finds me, and then i sit in a chair and then we kiss for woh knows how long. then the kids are out of the pool and her mom wants her to set up the badmitton net for the kids....and wonders why were "talking" in a dark area downstairs...yeah, not too cool.
so then we act like nothing happened, and her mom leaves for the store with her little sister and her brother is downstairs on the computer playing Collapse. so we go upstairs on the couch. and we kiss some more. and the kissing gets better the each session, which is cool. then the brother comes upstairs to play laser tag by himself. we head back downstairs and do some more kissing. i'd stay but its getting late as it is and i need to get home before there are more questions than there will already be.
So as im biking home i have this thought: "what does it mean to be dating anyway?" isn't it kinda where 2 people go places together and hang out with some kissing involved? isn't that what im doing? does that make us dating even tho i don't want to be dating? so here i am and i still don't know what exactly this is. its the same boyfriend/girlfriend idea. if you are friends, and you're kissing, that makes you boyfriend and girlfriend right? or do you need to have special feelings for one another? i don't really have those kind of feelings. so...what does all this mean? i guess i think about this entirely too much, but it needs to be thought about.
oh, and the other problem, another thing i don't want people i know reading but something i would like advice on all the same. when it comes to feeling up a girl, how does it work? i mean if she has a bra on its not all that easy and theres little point to it. or am i wrong? i don't know, never done this before. if someone would kindly explain this to me it's be great...or not, you know how it goes.
Friday, June 11, 2004
death is in the air
Music: Fairweather: If They Move...Kill Them
Mood: wow...I may not make it through the day
YAY! Lets have a nice little chat about nick perception of relationships, because they end up consuming a large part of his time and he wants to define his take on them so that he can examine himself and make a good choice. Here we go...
So I've had one girlfriend...ever. It was this year not too long ago. Maybe a month or two. And it wasn't very girlfriend/boyfriend oriented at the time either. I can't say it was ever more than a label for me kissing another person a few times after school. Every time I look back on it, I think of a new reason, or set of reasons, or examine my reasons for ending the relationship. Fidelity is a very important moral to me. More important than telling the truth, than a lot of other things (its late and my brain has hit its dead point). At the time I had met a very special person that I wanted to get to know more intimately (that never panned out, that's the way these things go I guess - I still talk to her but she doesn't seem interested and she lives a little ways away) and so I was afraid to lock myself into a relationship.
Because I would feel like the biggest jerk in the world to date someone then drop them as soon as someone else comes along, or to even kiss someone else behind their back, I had to kill the relationship before it got any further than it had. You know, I never thought about what a relationship really is. It is more than just kissing, or even being friends. A relationship is more about love, about dedication, about you and that other person and what you make together.
Making out and being "friends with benefits" and hanging out is not the same thing. That's what a lot of high school, and even college I suppose, relationships are. Sure there's more sex in college, but that doesn't really change much when you examine a relationship. Now don't get me wrong I'm not going to go sleep with a whole bunch of people because its not a relationship and I don't have to feel guilty. I'm very much against random people sex...but that's bound to change.
So now I realize I'm really just being close friends with this person. Is that a bad thing? We both seem to just want to be able to kiss with nothing to lose. But isn't that the age old seamier? That both of you want nothing to lose but you end up making it bigger than it should be, and having feelings you shouldn't, and then each person loses something. That's the way it goes I guess.
This brings me to the topic of death...why that is the title of an entry about relationships I don't know. I'm too tired to read this and find out where I left out too much info for this to make any sense. Anyway...2 people very close to me are worried that a person close to them may die. So I listen to both because I know that they need it and I try to be helpful. And anyways I may look back on this and realize all this relationship talk was like blood in the water with a shark nearby. I'm foretelling something. Wow...
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Step Number One - quite long...
Music: Streaming Psy/Goa Trance
Mood: Tired
I owe this to myself. I haven't been able to blog in a while, and now that I can, that is exactly what I am going to do. This is the first step of many on the road of self improvement. I am going to become the person I have always dreamed of being, but never put forth the effort to become. I always thought that it would just happen. That all of a sudden I would be brilliant, talented, charming. No, that's not how it works, not in the real world anyway. You can't just want to change. You can't just let time run its course. If you want change you have to decide, here and now, if you will put forth the time, the energy, the effort, and subject yourself to countless hours of education and scrutiny while you sculpt yourself into the person you desire to be.
A lot of adults I meet tell me that I am a very intelligent and interesting young man. I recently met a woman, my college advisor who will assist me in the college search, and talked to her for about 4 hours in our first meeting. By the end of that meeting, she already knew that I was educated, intelligent, and that I had a great mind. I'll admit that most of those things are true. The sad part is that those traits only take you so far. Drive, hard work, commitment, and good old common sense are also important qualities. I am not as blessed in that respect as I am in raw intelligence. Well, as others must study harder and think longer to compensate for their deficiencies, so must I.
I was never a news reader. I never felt the need to constantly know what was going on in the world around me and let everything pass me by. I would spend countless hours on pointless, meaning less research about computer and internet material that was guaranteed to change drastically within the next 5 years, that I had no use for at the present time. I avoided the work that was required of me that would help me improve in school and as a writer and as a thinker, and instead looked for ways to further separate myself from society. This was not only damaging to my future, as grades DO count, but it hurt me as a person. I always thought that to be an intellectual you had to be well versed in only a few topics, and surround yourself with people with similar interests. Oh how wrong I was.
It is impossible to take a stance on an issue when you have no knowledge of the issue, or you repeat arguments you have heard others make, or you fake knowledge and make up your mind on the spot. You have no evidence, you learn nothing, and you can do nothing to help others refine their viewpoint. I admit, while someone who is ignorant can bring up issues that have not been covered and offer opposing viewpoints, they cannot truly help or change anyone. I used to be that ignorant person, who heard the news last and only heard a secondhand version of it. I was wasting my intelligence by being ignorant. I reached a point and decided I had to change.
I was never really happy with my outward appearance. I have never considered myself good looking or attractive. I could lie to myself, but in truth I felt that I exhibited no attractive qualities. Once again, I was prepared to let that run its course. That I would either change by chance, or that something would happen to me to bring about change. Never did I think to take it upon myself and dedicate myself to improving my outward appearance. For maybe a week I would do push-ups or some other exercise, but because I never saw any improvement (I never gave it a chance) I gave up. I lacked the dedication to change, and at the same time I was going about it in entirely the wrong way. By exercising, I hoped to make myself more appealing to others. That I would be better equipped to survive (survive what, I'm not sure). I would wear t-shirts in the cold to prove that I could withstand the temperatures, I ate and drank less, to show that I could manage, I slept less so that I knew that I didn't need a full night sleep to function. Instead of improving myself by depriving myself of needs, I simply damaged my body and hurt myself.
I was doing everything wrong. We (or I, I'm not sure how others feel) attribute qualities of weakness or softness with those people who are well fed, appropriately dressed, and who receive enough sleep. Perhaps it is a way for those who lack those qualities and are jealous to raise themselves up. Whatever the reason, it is better to be well fed ect. So I started to drink lots of water, a lot more than I used to anyway. I drank very little each day. Perhaps one liter of liquids in total each day. While this was enough to survive, I was denying my body what it needed. Now that I drink 3 liters or more of just water each day, I can already see a marked difference. This is a good change that is simple, and helps to improve me instead of hurting me.
I jumped onto that other topic, and never finished the previous one. But as I write I feel like I'm writing more and more bullshit. Sure it feels good to write, but is it worth anything? No, I doubt it. Nevertheless, I shall finish what I have started and tell you the rest of the tale (the likelihood of ANYONE reading this far into my blog, if they even read it at all, is close to none).
So I started reading the news. I got an RSS reader, called an aggregator, that gets me news from the Washington post, the BBC, and TIME every time they publish a new article. This allows me to read the news and stay up to date. Yay, go me. So that's enough of THAT!
Its quite late at this point...time to finish up my work and head to bed - its where I belong.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Ok, so is blogger the way to go?
I've tried running my own blog, till my webhosting crapped out. I tried livejournal, but im just not a livejournal kind of guy, im a blog kind of guy. I'm giving this a shot, because i love to have a place to post all the useless info about my day and have people read about it. or at least give them the option to.
A blog provides for an emotional release, a chance for me to get feelings off my chest and store them so i can examen them later. lets hope blogger will do all that i need it to.
Yeah, so 3 posts....
Music: Coheed And Cambria - Cassiopeia
Mood: TOO MUCH WORK DAMNIT
The point is that this site needs some coolness...and once i get some time from this hell that consumes the focus of my being every waking moment (that could be the internet or school - not sure which) I'll custo-mizate-ish it. It will probably include some cool stuff from deviantart (great art site, go waste a few hours there), megatokyo, and other random stuff. my sites all look like crap, but who cares?
yeah, so now onto all this make up work i have due in the last 2 days of school because of a goddamn sinus infection that won't go away. [insert scream here].
Perhaps yes, it may do what i require
Music: Yellowcard - Ocean Avenue
Mood: Determined
Well, this may be what i needed. I can blog, and everything else just fine. it has comments, i can post info about me, its allllll good.
look forward to numerous posts about how my life is and all sorts of other tidbits. I don't hold much back in a blog, tho i have learned not to tell people everything, because then they get interested and bad things happen. Keep it on the DL. yeah, i have a paper to write now, maybe another post before i go to bed.
